Not The Best Day.

I'm so tired of being here. Just had a binge and purge session. Now my chest and stomach,throat is hurting....scale says i lost a pound. but i dont believe it. I feel like sucha worthless person. I mean the things I do on a daily basis just to meet mandie's standards makes me feel like i have no dignity. She's one of my closest friends but also one of my competitors. I feel like when she tells me something i have to go above and beyond that to make her proud. Sounds cliché but the people around me really have no idea what im going threw....it's hell.....everyday....the things i put my mind and body threw...I'm surprised i haven't killed myself already...i have music to thank for that.....I dont know what to do with this...

Feels like im to far down deep to crawl out ...I hate it but i love it...it's something i can run to but not run from...a year and a half ago i was fat, but i was also happy. More happy than I am now at least. So full of laughter and smiles. I had a personality...I was confident and strong... now im a 18 year old shut-in with no life...surrounded by this eating disorder....to afraid to get close to someone because no one will even try to understand or care. "Yay....!! lets have a pity party!" says mandie.

Called up my sister just now...asked her if she could come get me...maybe spend some nights over there to get away from my house. I really want to see the puppy...He always cheers me up '')