watch me fly (thinspo)

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''/

Hey everyone....things have been kinda not good...nothing new...i've been getting more chest pains than usual ...i really have to lay off purging for a while...it's really starting to scare me...to the point where i dont think im going to wake up to see morning. I have all these fears. Like if i dont purge my food im going to have a heart attack and die from eating. Or if i exercise to much where my heart is beating really fast im gonna have a heart attack from all the pressure i've put on my body from the last 2 years. God i hate this...i feel so trapped in my own problems... everyone i know is to busy doing there own thing to be here for me....i keep thinking what did i do to deserve this...? maybe this is the whole cliché thing that is "suppose" to make me stronger...i really hope there's something good for me down the line...i dunno if i can take much more of this.

I confronted my sister ''/

i told my sister about her not making an effort and not caring about my ed.... she said she would make more of an effort and that she was scared and that shes's sorry, that she didnt know how to go about asking cause she didnt want to hurt my feelings or bring it up if i didnt want to talk about it....i guess i kinda understand..still hurts that it took her soo long to get it....but im gonna try my best to let it go and forgive her.... i just expect so many things from people and when it doesn't come threw like i imagined it really hurts. I really didn't want to resent her for years....so i just confronted her about it...went better than i thought....but it still bothers me that i had to almost "ask" her to care....cause i called her and told her what i was feeling... she was the first person i told about my ed... why couldnt she just call once and be like "hey mandie, hows your problem going.." something so small.... i even asked her that and she said that would have been to "bold" so i dunno.... i will definitely forgive her when i've gotten over her not being there...but i probably wont ever forget it....i mean i told her over 7 months ago...and she never once asked me how i was doing....it's like me telling her im an alcoholic and she just carrying on with her life...that scarred me.... family letting you down like that...you wont forget it.... im trying my best to see it from her point of view but im just to sad to care....

peace&love

Update.

*Sigh* not a good day...sorry wish i could say it was.... don't really celebrate the fourth of july...kinda makes me feel a bit bitter that alot of people are partying and im doing a whole bunch of nothing as usual....I was considering sneaking out and going to my nana's house 45 minutes away.... but i dont really want to go there...i want to go somewhere i dont know anyone....Just runaway to a different place. feeling sad and lost and alone... i really hate these feelings... i keep thinking that all this will finally come to an end and i keep thinking that "someone" is gonna come into my life and change that....sounds naive but i really want to meet someone that is just an amazing friend/boyfriend maybe? >.< ...a good person... havent come across that yet. I've really needed that in the past year...Maybe that didnt come along to make me stronger....i probably would have leaned on that person way to much and scared them away....or I would have been poison to that person with all my problems... i dunno...I really really hope things get better...i told my mum today i want to go back to therapy..i can't continue like this...it's a miserable life...im 18, i should be out enjoying life....instead im this shut-in with her eating disorder as a friend...I dont want this...this unhappiness....but that's the thing...i want to change but i dont want to loose my ed...how's that suppose to fucking work!? Ugh!

Later.... x

Run

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Long Time No Talk!

Hey everyone!

So i went to both my little brothers graduation and my mums.... we've been eating at restaurants a lot lately ....it's been really hard im not gonna lie....and i've been bingeing and purging bad....my mum knows about my problem... so she asked me if i threw up...i told her no but of course i did.... she's so easily convinced... ''/ but i guess that's a good advantage for me...i've been thinking about adding onto my tatto on my back...im really scared about the pain though....the first time i got my tat was horrible with the pain...lmao im really bad with physical pain....but i have a really cool idea..so im gonna have to endure it ....So i've had this song by leona lewis on repeat for the longest time...it's called "Run" and it's amazing....i love it...I like Snow Patrols version too....but hers have a different feel to it ...great cover! So for my mums graduation present i took her to the nail salon....then got her this book that she's always wanted...she really loved it....she deserves more relaxation...sometimes i get so cought up in life that i dont realize how much she does for the family....i know i take her for granted....i should be more grateful. But at least i realize that right..? ugh, It's hard to undo 18 years of spoiledness <-- dont think that's a word haa....anyway....gonna spend some "family time" with my little brother and mum today....we've been meaning to go to the beach but havent gone yet...i wanna go!! i lovee the beach...<3 one of my favorite things to do is listen to my ipod and swing really high...feels like im flying.

Nervous & Anxious!

Okay, so tomorrow were going out to a restaurant because were celebrating my little brother's graduation from 5th year....he's going to middle school now...crazy how time goes by so fast.... =( i remember him as a little one and now he's going to jr high school...weird....dont really like change....well, not like this....but at least i dont have to keep babysitting lol.... so about the "nervous and anxious" bit....were going out to eat with all the family and im fucking freakin out....feels like there's a bolder on my chest and i can't breathe! ugh...i so dont want it to be awkward...."is that all your eating?" starring at me...it's like fuck!!!!!!!! maybe im over analyzing ...i can't keep caring what people think of me..it's gonna drive me nuts! my attitude needs to be "Look! this is me, dont like it beat it!" because im sucha people pleaser...i want everyone to get along and just be civil ...the worst bit is that my mum and sister know that im bulimic....there ignorant about disorders..they just think i can stop whenever i want.....not even the half of it...and sense they know they'll be looking and judging.....but i told my mum today i wasnt feeling good today so im just gonna use that tomorrow like my symptoms cam back or something...and then my fucking sister..godd she gets on my neves....she makes me feel like "oh here comes the party pooper" it's like fuck yeah here comes the party pooper...you have no idea what i go threw and to judge so quickly pisses me the hell off...i stopped calling her too...she noticed..........because why would i want to talk to someone that makes me feel like shit? so i just pulled away like i always do....less arguing ...so anyway..i'll tell you guys how it went...oh! and get this!! 3 days apart from that were going out again for my mum's college graduation....she finally got her Masters Degree....=) so proud of her...<3

Lovely Thin.

song is photograph by nickelback =)

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Quick Update-what's on my mind atm.

h3y guys!

today, i dont know what im gonna be doing today...i really shounldn't go to the mall and spend cause i literally can't control myself...there's ALWAYS something to buy...either it's on sale or it's just so cute i have to have it..

.i recently checked out a book called "the gift of fear" my sister recommended it to me and she said it's amazinggg...a "must read" so im gonna give it a try! she started reading it for her self defense class...but yeah thinking about going to barns and noble and just reading...might see some other things i should read aswell...only books i've really been reading are post secret books....i think i read those so much because i can relate to more than 90% of the people....plus the raw emotion is mind blowing..you always think your alone until you see that your not....that alot of people are going threw similar things... i think that's why i lovee post secret books so much...they make me feel less alone...so yeah not really a busy day today...gonna throw on an oversized shirt and some ripped tights and im golden =)

Some Journal entry...

so today im kicking my fasting back into motion....had to get off of it last week cause i was going back and forth visiting fam...i would probably be hugeeeeeeeeee if i lived with them...there's always food around..that bother's me....but anyway i decided to share some of my journal with you guys..wrote it when i was having a horrible day.

"I'm so emotionally broken. This "thing" has stripped me dry, of everything. I need, need, need somebody or something. Send me anything and i will be grateful. I want someone to love me in an indescribable way. Love me for my faults and for me. The real me. I need something constant. I think once i find that, i'll know. I'll know because i'll be smiling on the inside this time, not just on the outside. It'll be real. I need that now. I hate that suicide is an option. I hate me. I hate this life. The one out of ten semi-happy moments isn't enough to keep me thinking life is worth it. Behind these eyes are nothing. Nothing but tears and sorrow. I feel numb and dead. I feel bound and broken. I feel empty and selfish. I've learned i will eventually let everyone down i come in contact with so why bother.I hate being alone but i enjoy it too.I find beauty in it. I just feel like there's nothing in me. There's nothing there. Everything seems inevitable. Nothing ever gets better. My problems my tears. My problems my tears."

whoa that was emo...lmao...but seriously that day wasn't good for me...today is looking better i think...so when i dont update im still writing sometimes just not on here....

ttyl <3

small update =)

Hey Guys! :)

I know i said i would update more....guess i lied lol....just been away from home a bit...went ice skating for the weekend and slept over my fams house...i totally ate the ice...i was trying to do a turn and slammed my head on the ice....hurt like hell...but a hottie helped me so i was all smiles on the inside...got some war wounds but it's all good ...i was kinda worried about internal bleeding...i can be a little dramatic but i had never hurt myself to sucha extent before so i had a right to be worried i was gonna die! haa..anyway im baby sitting the family dog and i love him dearly....alotttt of responsibility....but anyway....im reallyy sore...i was ice skating for almost 4 hours straight! the time goes by super fast doesn't even feel like your burning cals...it's soothing to me...it's my new hobby.....ut other than that...glad to be home....i like visiting but i dont like to stay the night...i like to be in my own surroundings... ya know...so yeah that's pretty much it for now!

peace&love.

Sorry for the delay...

okay so what did i do today...woke up and turned on my music of course...showered ate a small bowl of steamed veggies and walked to the tram stop....i had to do some business ...then went to the mall lol....stop by victoria secret, abercromie, and hollister....and omg!! today was the worst for my feet..of course i wanted to wear my new leopard flats and break em in..little did i know my feet were going to be on fire the whole day...i dunno what the deal was... the shoes are even big on me...so i dont know why my feet where hurting soooooooooooo badly... ha...ugh...i kept having to take them off everywhere i went....stopped by..urban outfitters, american eagle outfitters...love culture....hot topic....h&m ect....wonder how many cals i burned hmmm....i was on my feet since 10:00am to 6:00pm.... good amount of time there i think....anyway once i got home i was excited to look at all the things i got....and im going down in sizes at stores...kinda weird..it's like " hey! i used to were that size, now im wearing this??!!" it's going kinda fast that i dont have time to process how much im loosing...but im happy im finally gonna be pretty....i dont think you can be considered pretty if your fat or "plus sized" i mean your face might be...but people like lean...it's cleaner looking and just beautiful....anyway that's my thoughts for now.

xx peace.

cramps & mood swings ha...

woke up with these unbearable cramps....surprise surprise my period came....and the pain feels like contractions....ughhh....i hate this.....i must seem so bitchy to everyone around me...i snapped at my mum and brother....but that's nothing new....everyone i know bother's me in some way.... that's why i always isolate myself from everyone...because you get hurt less that way...no one to let you down or for you to let other's down....your just in your own bubble/ world...but that can also be dangerous....everytime im in the car..which means there's no way to escape the people im with...i always have my internet going on my phone and my music in my ears....i know, that i isolate myself from the world on purpose and then cry that "im so alone" ...it's like a catch 22....so what do i do..? nothing....because it's just easier that way... almost 9pm and today i've had 3 pieces of gum =15 cals and water....this is the best i've done in a while without ruining it....so im happy about that...anyway im getting paid in a week and im gonna pick up my coach poppy side purse..excited for that...i need something good at the end of this fast..... =))

update more later when im feeling up to it...i know i was blogging alot more but my depression has increased in the last month so i just haven't been on here...but i'll start blogging more =)

xx mandie

Update.

hmmm...today i woke up feeling quite shitty...i caught a cold from someone that was around me that was sick....i already knew i was gonna catch it...i always do....i hate having a low immune system....but i brought this onto myself so lets just skip the tears....today im starting a fast since food is the least of my worries for once....when im sick i just want to lay in bed and watch movies....ugh...i just hope that i fall alseep and it ends up being tomorrow quicker than i thought...update wise....me and my family had a celebration yesterday for mum's day. yes i know mums day was over a week ago but everyone was extremely busy so we had to schedule it for the following week. Anyway my mum and grandmum said it was a good day for them, that's all that mattered. Food wise, i was in a pickle! My sister catered food from a restaurant and she kept watching me... she probably thought i was soo fat and that i dont have a problem at all....and yes! i ate because i didnt want this big dramatic thing, "omg mandie's not eating let's give her attention now!" so i downed the food and when they left i purged it quick! it was a decent day like i said on my twitter...so yeah now im just gonna go relax and not think about food.... distractions distractions i need em!

i hate feeling untrustworthy.

So as some of you know last night i got caught stealing my mums truck again...i left around 1 am and got back around almost 4am...When doing this, i knew there was a chance of me getting caught...but at the time i didn't care..I was just thinking about getting out of the house and clearing my head....driving just clears my head...blasting the music and going real fast makes me feel alive....for once....but once i got home the lights were on and i knew i was fucking busted! i froze...i didnt want to go in but my little brother who is 11 years old was waiting outside....first words :why are you doing this" and started crying....i felt like such a bad influence...i didnt know what to say...still don't....then i walked in the house and went to my mum's room...she was on the phone with the police...in shock, i just stood there blank....it was finally hitting me what i was doing...i have no license no experience but driving in a parking lot with my sister 6 months ago...i could have killed someone...someone could have killed me...i know this...but when im in this state of escaping i dont think...i just do....my mum's words to me :"you stole my car again?! i dont even know who you are anymore" me : join the club....sitting on the sofa i herd her say on the phone "i need to have my daughter arrested, she is a danger to herself and a thief...she took my wallet and my car keys and i need to have her picked up" but they said they couldn't arrest me because i brought the car back and i was a family member... but during that i was blank the whole time...there was nothing to do or say i had gotten caught...no way of talking myself out of anything...a simple sorry would have seem so relative...so i just skipped the bullshit excuses and said nothing....because what do i do..?

Then we had a "family meeting" and my mum said i need to go back to therapy....can't really argue...anyway so things are a little shaky...but im just gonna let the past go....i can't change what i've done...why keep thinking about it.

Fun Thinspo

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Thinspo Post♥♥

Thinspo Post : )

Things are going good today...

For starters my diet is going so good and exercise is going amazing! I've been walking almost a mile and some change everyday almost....and today's food intake = 2 rice cakes and half a bottle of diet coke.... 4:30pm right now...so the hard part is gonna be at 12 midnight when the cravings start to arrive...that's the part that sux about being a night owl....been helping my little bro sale cookies and that's actually kinda fun...we went to this one door and this guy was like "No!" and slammed the door... lmao...ha rude much?....but other than the rude people it's really fun and we get to know the neighbors a little more....was thinking about if i was gonna run into some hotties hahaha....and i have! maybe i should start stalking em...lol....

But anyway bought some new clothes because everything else is literally falling off of me....even my shoes are more roomy which is weird....can you loose weight on your feet...? i already have small feet so i dont really want them getting any smaller! lol

what else did i do..? that's about it....i've been none stop shopping for the past 3 days....NO MORE MANDIE! lol....

Decent Day...

Hey Loves :)

So like I said, I've been out of school for 6 months....mum keeps getting on me about getting back to finish 12th year....I keep putting it off cause i hate being around people I dont know....i get all jittery and stammery..lol...But I'm trying to go to and contact my local college so I can get the rest of my credits and be done with this shit already....ugh! i wish I could just steal my high school diploma!! haha...So besides that...got paid today =)) so I went shopping and bought the family dinner out ....oh, and I can finally get my lip ring....got the piercing 3 weeks ago...now i can finally change it!...So tonight I'm probably gonna go to bed earlier than usual so I can go shopping again tomorrow....i really dont need the clothes....i have a store in my room alone, with my clothes... But i hate to pass up a good sale or something...I always say "okay im just going to 'look'.." yeah right! i know myself all to well....but yeah it's a good day when i go without crying....i did purge but only once....not like 3-4 times as usual...

update later<3