i hate feeling untrustworthy.

So as some of you know last night i got caught stealing my mums truck again...i left around 1 am and got back around almost 4am...When doing this, i knew there was a chance of me getting caught...but at the time i didn't care..I was just thinking about getting out of the house and clearing my head....driving just clears my head...blasting the music and going real fast makes me feel alive....for once....but once i got home the lights were on and i knew i was fucking busted! i froze...i didnt want to go in but my little brother who is 11 years old was waiting outside....first words :why are you doing this" and started crying....i felt like such a bad influence...i didnt know what to say...still don't....then i walked in the house and went to my mum's room...she was on the phone with the police...in shock, i just stood there blank....it was finally hitting me what i was doing...i have no license no experience but driving in a parking lot with my sister 6 months ago...i could have killed someone...someone could have killed me...i know this...but when im in this state of escaping i dont think...i just do....my mum's words to me :"you stole my car again?! i dont even know who you are anymore" me : join the club....sitting on the sofa i herd her say on the phone "i need to have my daughter arrested, she is a danger to herself and a thief...she took my wallet and my car keys and i need to have her picked up" but they said they couldn't arrest me because i brought the car back and i was a family member... but during that i was blank the whole time...there was nothing to do or say i had gotten caught...no way of talking myself out of anything...a simple sorry would have seem so relative...so i just skipped the bullshit excuses and said nothing....because what do i do..?

Then we had a "family meeting" and my mum said i need to go back to therapy....can't really argue...anyway so things are a little shaky...but im just gonna let the past go....i can't change what i've done...why keep thinking about it.

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Things are going good today...

For starters my diet is going so good and exercise is going amazing! I've been walking almost a mile and some change everyday almost....and today's food intake = 2 rice cakes and half a bottle of diet coke.... 4:30pm right now...so the hard part is gonna be at 12 midnight when the cravings start to arrive...that's the part that sux about being a night owl....been helping my little bro sale cookies and that's actually kinda fun...we went to this one door and this guy was like "No!" and slammed the door... lmao...ha rude much?....but other than the rude people it's really fun and we get to know the neighbors a little more....was thinking about if i was gonna run into some hotties hahaha....and i have! maybe i should start stalking em...lol....

But anyway bought some new clothes because everything else is literally falling off of me....even my shoes are more roomy which is weird....can you loose weight on your feet...? i already have small feet so i dont really want them getting any smaller! lol

what else did i do..? that's about it....i've been none stop shopping for the past 3 days....NO MORE MANDIE! lol....

Decent Day...

Hey Loves :)

So like I said, I've been out of school for 6 months....mum keeps getting on me about getting back to finish 12th year....I keep putting it off cause i hate being around people I dont know....i get all jittery and stammery..lol...But I'm trying to go to and contact my local college so I can get the rest of my credits and be done with this shit already....ugh! i wish I could just steal my high school diploma!! haha...So besides that...got paid today =)) so I went shopping and bought the family dinner out ....oh, and I can finally get my lip ring....got the piercing 3 weeks ago...now i can finally change it!...So tonight I'm probably gonna go to bed earlier than usual so I can go shopping again tomorrow....i really dont need the clothes....i have a store in my room alone, with my clothes... But i hate to pass up a good sale or something...I always say "okay im just going to 'look'.." yeah right! i know myself all to well....but yeah it's a good day when i go without crying....i did purge but only once....not like 3-4 times as usual...

update later<3

Going for joy Rides lol ;)

So about 4 months ago when my depression was getting really bad, I would steal my mums car while she was sleeping and just drive around. I was/am eighteen I dont have a license or anything...the only way I know my way around the road is from driving my sister's car in a couple parking lots from time to time with her permission....I know how selfish that is...I could kill someone or a drunk driver or someone could kill me...But when im in a state like that..I'm pretty oblivious to consequences....It's like welp, if someonething happens "ohh well" cause im hurting so badly...or it could go the other way and be like " oh nothing's gonna happen to me" but that's the thing you never think it's gonna be you....But get this guys! 4 months ago i was really careless and my mum cough me...everytime I would go out i would make a "makeshift" which is like a pretend body underneath the covers with my pillows....I was so used to going out and doing it that i was kinda carless and i gues the pillows didnt really look like i was in them...I asked her "why did you even come in my room!" and she said she came in to talk to me..and she sat on the bed...and it felt like there was no weight in the bed..so she pulled the cover off and of course she was shocked that i wasnt in my bed at 3:00 in the morning....she called the cops....and looked for her keys so she could leave the house to look around the neighborhood...but of course she couldnt find them because i had them! lol...so when she went to the car garage and the car wasn't there!? i dont even want to know her reaction...then she reported the car missing...about 15 minutes later I walk in the door and all the lights are on....BUSTED! i saw she was up and the cver had been pulled away from where i was sleeping...i wanted so badly to just walk back out of the door...didnt want to deal with the consequences....I mean i still feel soooo guilty that she dosent trust me and that she hides her purse from me....So the point is....i started stealing the car again about 5 days ago lmao...i just never learn....when im driving...my mind feels so clear...and I can go where ever....ahhh....i hope i dont get cought agin!