cramps & mood swings ha...

woke up with these unbearable cramps....surprise surprise my period came....and the pain feels like contractions....ughhh....i hate this.....i must seem so bitchy to everyone around me...i snapped at my mum and brother....but that's nothing new....everyone i know bother's me in some way.... that's why i always isolate myself from everyone...because you get hurt less that way...no one to let you down or for you to let other's down....your just in your own bubble/ world...but that can also be dangerous....everytime im in the car..which means there's no way to escape the people im with...i always have my internet going on my phone and my music in my ears....i know, that i isolate myself from the world on purpose and then cry that "im so alone" ...it's like a catch 22....so what do i do..? nothing....because it's just easier that way... almost 9pm and today i've had 3 pieces of gum =15 cals and water....this is the best i've done in a while without ruining it....so im happy about that...anyway im getting paid in a week and im gonna pick up my coach poppy side purse..excited for that...i need something good at the end of this fast..... =))

update more later when im feeling up to it...i know i was blogging alot more but my depression has increased in the last month so i just haven't been on here...but i'll start blogging more =)

xx mandie

Update.

hmmm...today i woke up feeling quite shitty...i caught a cold from someone that was around me that was sick....i already knew i was gonna catch it...i always do....i hate having a low immune system....but i brought this onto myself so lets just skip the tears....today im starting a fast since food is the least of my worries for once....when im sick i just want to lay in bed and watch movies....ugh...i just hope that i fall alseep and it ends up being tomorrow quicker than i thought...update wise....me and my family had a celebration yesterday for mum's day. yes i know mums day was over a week ago but everyone was extremely busy so we had to schedule it for the following week. Anyway my mum and grandmum said it was a good day for them, that's all that mattered. Food wise, i was in a pickle! My sister catered food from a restaurant and she kept watching me... she probably thought i was soo fat and that i dont have a problem at all....and yes! i ate because i didnt want this big dramatic thing, "omg mandie's not eating let's give her attention now!" so i downed the food and when they left i purged it quick! it was a decent day like i said on my twitter...so yeah now im just gonna go relax and not think about food.... distractions distractions i need em!

i hate feeling untrustworthy.

So as some of you know last night i got caught stealing my mums truck again...i left around 1 am and got back around almost 4am...When doing this, i knew there was a chance of me getting caught...but at the time i didn't care..I was just thinking about getting out of the house and clearing my head....driving just clears my head...blasting the music and going real fast makes me feel alive....for once....but once i got home the lights were on and i knew i was fucking busted! i froze...i didnt want to go in but my little brother who is 11 years old was waiting outside....first words :why are you doing this" and started crying....i felt like such a bad influence...i didnt know what to say...still don't....then i walked in the house and went to my mum's room...she was on the phone with the police...in shock, i just stood there blank....it was finally hitting me what i was doing...i have no license no experience but driving in a parking lot with my sister 6 months ago...i could have killed someone...someone could have killed me...i know this...but when im in this state of escaping i dont think...i just do....my mum's words to me :"you stole my car again?! i dont even know who you are anymore" me : join the club....sitting on the sofa i herd her say on the phone "i need to have my daughter arrested, she is a danger to herself and a thief...she took my wallet and my car keys and i need to have her picked up" but they said they couldn't arrest me because i brought the car back and i was a family member... but during that i was blank the whole time...there was nothing to do or say i had gotten caught...no way of talking myself out of anything...a simple sorry would have seem so relative...so i just skipped the bullshit excuses and said nothing....because what do i do..?

Then we had a "family meeting" and my mum said i need to go back to therapy....can't really argue...anyway so things are a little shaky...but im just gonna let the past go....i can't change what i've done...why keep thinking about it.

Fun Thinspo

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thinspo Post♥♥

Thinspo Post : )

Things are going good today...

For starters my diet is going so good and exercise is going amazing! I've been walking almost a mile and some change everyday almost....and today's food intake = 2 rice cakes and half a bottle of diet coke.... 4:30pm right now...so the hard part is gonna be at 12 midnight when the cravings start to arrive...that's the part that sux about being a night owl....been helping my little bro sale cookies and that's actually kinda fun...we went to this one door and this guy was like "No!" and slammed the door... lmao...ha rude much?....but other than the rude people it's really fun and we get to know the neighbors a little more....was thinking about if i was gonna run into some hotties hahaha....and i have! maybe i should start stalking em...lol....

But anyway bought some new clothes because everything else is literally falling off of me....even my shoes are more roomy which is weird....can you loose weight on your feet...? i already have small feet so i dont really want them getting any smaller! lol

what else did i do..? that's about it....i've been none stop shopping for the past 3 days....NO MORE MANDIE! lol....