Monday, May 31, 2010

small update =)

Hey Guys! :)

I know i said i would update more....guess i lied lol....just been away from home a bit...went ice skating for the weekend and slept over my fams house...i totally ate the ice...i was trying to do a turn and slammed my head on the ice....hurt like hell...but a hottie helped me so i was all smiles on the some war wounds but it's all good ...i was kinda worried about internal bleeding...i can be a little dramatic but i had never hurt myself to sucha extent before so i had a right to be worried i was gonna die! haa..anyway im baby sitting the family dog and i love him dearly....alotttt of responsibility....but reallyy sore...i was ice skating for almost 4 hours straight! the time goes by super fast doesn't even feel like your burning's soothing to's my new hobby.....ut other than that...glad to be home....i like visiting but i dont like to stay the night...i like to be in my own surroundings... ya yeah that's pretty much it for now!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sorry for the delay...

okay so what did i do today...woke up and turned on my music of course...showered ate a small bowl of steamed veggies and walked to the tram stop....i had to do some business ...then went to the mall lol....stop by victoria secret, abercromie, and hollister....and omg!! today was the worst for my feet..of course i wanted to wear my new leopard flats and break em in..little did i know my feet were going to be on fire the whole day...i dunno what the deal was... the shoes are even big on i dont know why my feet where hurting soooooooooooo badly... ha...ugh...i kept having to take them off everywhere i went....stopped by..urban outfitters, american eagle topic....h&m ect....wonder how many cals i burned hmmm....i was on my feet since 10:00am to 6:00pm.... good amount of time there i think....anyway once i got home i was excited to look at all the things i got....and im going down in sizes at stores...kinda's like " hey! i used to were that size, now im wearing this??!!" it's going kinda fast that i dont have time to process how much im loosing...but im happy im finally gonna be pretty....i dont think you can be considered pretty if your fat or "plus sized" i mean your face might be...but people like's cleaner looking and just beautiful....anyway that's my thoughts for now.

xx peace.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

cramps & mood swings ha...

woke up with these unbearable cramps....surprise surprise my period came....and the pain feels like contractions....ughhh....i hate this.....i must seem so bitchy to everyone around me...i snapped at my mum and brother....but that's nothing new....everyone i know bother's me in some way.... that's why i always isolate myself from everyone...because you get hurt less that one to let you down or for you to let other's down....your just in your own bubble/ world...but that can also be dangerous....everytime im in the car..which means there's no way to escape the people im with...i always have my internet going on my phone and my music in my ears....i know, that i isolate myself from the world on purpose and then cry that "im so alone"'s like a catch what do i do..? nothing....because it's just easier that way... almost 9pm and today i've had 3 pieces of gum =15 cals and water....this is the best i've done in a while without ruining im happy about that...anyway im getting paid in a week and im gonna pick up my coach poppy side purse..excited for that...i need something good at the end of this fast..... =))

update more later when im feeling up to it...i know i was blogging alot more but my depression has increased in the last month so i just haven't been on here...but i'll start blogging more =)

xx mandie

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Update. i woke up feeling quite shitty...i caught a cold from someone that was around me that was sick....i already knew i was gonna catch it...i always do....i hate having a low immune system....but i brought this onto myself so lets just skip the im starting a fast since food is the least of my worries for once....when im sick i just want to lay in bed and watch movies....ugh...i just hope that i fall alseep and it ends up being tomorrow quicker than i thought...update and my family had a celebration yesterday for mum's day. yes i know mums day was over a week ago but everyone was extremely busy so we had to schedule it for the following week. Anyway my mum and grandmum said it was a good day for them, that's all that mattered. Food wise, i was in a pickle! My sister catered food from a restaurant and she kept watching me... she probably thought i was soo fat and that i dont have a problem at all....and yes! i ate because i didnt want this big dramatic thing, "omg mandie's not eating let's give her attention now!" so i downed the food and when they left i purged it quick! it was a decent day like i said on my yeah now im just gonna go relax and not think about food.... distractions distractions i need em!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i hate feeling untrustworthy.

So as some of you know last night i got caught stealing my mums truck again...i left around 1 am and got back around almost 4am...When doing this, i knew there was a chance of me getting caught...but at the time i didn't care..I was just thinking about getting out of the house and clearing my head....driving just clears my head...blasting the music and going real fast makes me feel alive....for once....but once i got home the lights were on and i knew i was fucking busted! i froze...i didnt want to go in but my little brother who is 11 years old was waiting outside....first words :why are you doing this" and started crying....i felt like such a bad influence...i didnt know what to say...still don't....then i walked in the house and went to my mum's room...she was on the phone with the shock, i just stood there was finally hitting me what i was doing...i have no license no experience but driving in a parking lot with my sister 6 months ago...i could have killed someone...someone could have killed me...i know this...but when im in this state of escaping i dont think...i just mum's words to me :"you stole my car again?! i dont even know who you are anymore" me : join the club....sitting on the sofa i herd her say on the phone "i need to have my daughter arrested, she is a danger to herself and a thief...she took my wallet and my car keys and i need to have her picked up" but they said they couldn't arrest me because i brought the car back and i was a family member... but during that i was blank the whole time...there was nothing to do or say i had gotten way of talking myself out of anything...a simple sorry would have seem so i just skipped the bullshit excuses and said nothing....because what do i do..?

Then we had a "family meeting" and my mum said i need to go back to therapy....can't really argue...anyway so things are a little shaky...but im just gonna let the past go....i can't change what i've done...why keep thinking about it.