Saturday, July 17, 2010
Hey everyone....things have been kinda not good...nothing new...i've been getting more chest pains than usual ...i really have to lay off purging for a while...it's really starting to scare me...to the point where i dont think im going to wake up to see morning. I have all these fears. Like if i dont purge my food im going to have a heart attack and die from eating. Or if i exercise to much where my heart is beating really fast im gonna have a heart attack from all the pressure i've put on my body from the last 2 years. God i hate this...i feel so trapped in my own problems... everyone i know is to busy doing there own thing to be here for me....i keep thinking what did i do to deserve this...? maybe this is the whole cliché thing that is "suppose" to make me stronger...i really hope there's something good for me down the line...i dunno if i can take much more of this.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i told my sister about her not making an effort and not caring about my ed.... she said she would make more of an effort and that she was scared and that shes's sorry, that she didnt know how to go about asking cause she didnt want to hurt my feelings or bring it up if i didnt want to talk about it....i guess i kinda understand..still hurts that it took her soo long to get it....but im gonna try my best to let it go and forgive her.... i just expect so many things from people and when it doesn't come threw like i imagined it really hurts. I really didn't want to resent her for years....so i just confronted her about it...went better than i thought....but it still bothers me that i had to almost "ask" her to care....cause i called her and told her what i was feeling... she was the first person i told about my ed... why couldnt she just call once and be like "hey mandie, hows your problem going.." something so small.... i even asked her that and she said that would have been to "bold" so i dunno.... i will definitely forgive her when i've gotten over her not being there...but i probably wont ever forget it....i mean i told her over 7 months ago...and she never once asked me how i was doing....it's like me telling her im an alcoholic and she just carrying on with her life...that scarred me.... family letting you down like that...you wont forget it.... im trying my best to see it from her point of view but im just to sad to care....
Sunday, July 4, 2010
*Sigh* not a good day...sorry wish i could say it was.... don't really celebrate the fourth of july...kinda makes me feel a bit bitter that alot of people are partying and im doing a whole bunch of nothing as usual....I was considering sneaking out and going to my nana's house 45 minutes away.... but i dont really want to go there...i want to go somewhere i dont know anyone....Just runaway to a different place. feeling sad and lost and alone... i really hate these feelings... i keep thinking that all this will finally come to an end and i keep thinking that "someone" is gonna come into my life and change that....sounds naive but i really want to meet someone that is just an amazing friend/boyfriend maybe? >.< ...a good person... havent come across that yet. I've really needed that in the past year...Maybe that didnt come along to make me stronger....i probably would have leaned on that person way to much and scared them away....or I would have been poison to that person with all my problems... i dunno...I really really hope things get better...i told my mum today i want to go back to therapy..i can't continue like this...it's a miserable life...im 18, i should be out enjoying life....instead im this shut-in with her eating disorder as a friend...I dont want this...this unhappiness....but that's the thing...i want to change but i dont want to loose my ed...how's that suppose to fucking work!? Ugh!