Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
This new absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality --
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was
Only much whiter and unbreakable and with no complaints.
I couldn't sleep for a week, she was so cold.
I blamed her for everything, but she didn't answer.
I couldn't understand her stupid behavior!
When I hit her she held still, like a true pacifist.
Then I realized what she wanted was for me to love her:
She began to warm up, and I saw her advantages.
Without me, she wouldn't exist, so of course she was grateful.
I gave her a soul, I blomed out of her as a rose
Blooms out of a vase of not very valuable porcelain,
And it was I who attracted everybody's attention,
Not her whiteness and beauty, as I had at first supposed.
I patronized her a little, and she lapped it up --
You could tell almost at once she had a slave mentality.
I didn't mind her waiting on me, and she adored it.
In the morning she woke me early, reflecting the sun
From her amazingly white torso, and I couldn't help but notice
Her tidiness and her calmness and her patience:
She humored my weakness like the best of nurses,
Holding my bones in place so they would mend properly.
In time our relationship grew more intense.
She stopped fitting me so closely and seemed offish.
I felt her criticizing me in spite of herself,
As if my habits offended her in some way.
She let in the drafts and became more and more absent-minded.
And my skin itched and flaked away in soft pieces
Simply because she looked after me so badly.
Then I saw what the trouble was: she thought she was immortal.
She wanted to leave me, she thought she was superior,
And I'd been keeping her in the dark, and she was resentful --
Wasting her days waiting on a half-corpse!
And secretly she began to hope I'd die.
Then she could cover my mouth and eyes, cover me entirely,
And wear my painted face the way a mummy-case
Wears the face of a pharaoh, though it's made of mud and water.
I wasn't in any position to get rid of her.
She'd supported me for so long I was quite limp --
I had forgotten how to walk or sit,
So I was careful not to upset her in any way
Or brag ahead of time how I'd avenge myself.
Living with her was like living with my own coffin:
Yet I still depended on her, though I did it regretfully.
I used to think we might make a go of it together --
After all, it was a kind of marriage, being so close.
Now I see it must be one or the other of us.
She may be a saint, and I may be ugly and hairy,
But she'll soon find out that that doesn't matter a bit.
I'm collecting my strength; one day I shall manage without her,
And she'll perish with emptiness then, and begin to miss me.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Back from visiting my sister. Had a pretty decent time...and i was so happy to see the puppy for a couple days!he's adorable i love animals, there love is so unconditional. So anyway when my sister picked me up it could have gone one of two ways in the car...super quiet or super talkative...it was a little bit of both...the car ride is about 45 minutes to her house..where my grandmother lives as well...I love her....she has sucha big heart and accepts everyone... while me and my sister were in the car she asked me how i was, for like the first time in never! and i said "Im great" ughhh!!! why! I should have told her that my bulimia is getting worse that my depression is becoming unbearable! ANYTHING!!!!But when my sister asked she didnt really looked like she cared...you know how when people ask how you are just because it's the right thing to do....not because they really care..? that's how it looked...maybe that's why i said "I'm great" cause i got that vibe...maybe I didnt really want to burden her with my problems...I kinda understand that she wouldnt ask me about my ed because she might be a little scared or the topic might be awkward but if i knew someone was struggling...i would ask them almost all the time...to make them aware that someone cares...and to know if there getting better....that makes me tear up just thinking that I was with her for almost 3 days and she didnt ask me how I was going with my ed....DOSENT SHE CARE AT ALL!?whatever... I can't keep thinking and wasting my time with it...so the time went pretty decent i guess...we went ice skating for about 2 hours...didnt fall once and i was doing awesome...I havent been ice skating in like 10 years so i was soo surprised that i could actually balance...lol...anyway next day she went to work and i spent time with my grandmother and the puppy :) then went back home the next day....so yeah pretty good time...But i dont think i can get much closer to my sister knowing that she dosent even care ya know...? that's how she makes me feel....like she has other better things to worry about...I swear, this sounds harsh but somtimes i think i love her but i dont like her...i dont like the person that she is or is becoming....sometimes i'll just look at her and not even know who that person is...i guess she's changing. But i needed this..i needed to miss home...and im glad i went....but i probably wont go back in a while...I'll update you guys and tell you if I do and what happens!
Glad to be home<3
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Today i didnt do much. stayed home the whole day which was borsville. Woke up with a sore throat and headache, which put me in a shitty mood. It was such a gorgeous day today to be inside. Plus im fasting so i have like no energy for anything...once again felt faint in the shower which i hate....feels like i can't breathe.
Watched a few episodes of "16 and pregnant". One girl was fifteen...it's kinda sad that she's having a child and she's a child herself. Just the way she talks and acts, it's sad. I mean you can tell she's 15, she doesn't act older than her age...which is probably what that child needs. But they say having a child makes you grow up real quick so I hope that does it for her. I was still playing with barbie's at 15, it's so crazy when people have different situations than you. I'm glad i was sheltered...I can't imagine having a child so young....I mean you can have the same life you could've before...but dont think having a baby isnt gonna make it harder ya know...? i mean let's be real.
I kinda wanna watch Juno now lol hahaha....one of my favorite movies. I love Ellen Page..I think her work is brilliant! ughhh. I'm soo hungry..one of the horrible side effects of fasting is that you wanna eat your own arm!! lmao....it's so hard to fast and see poeple go in and out of the kitchen with food...and me smelling it too! >.<
Was gonna do the linens but im to drained to go up and down the stairs...guess the clothes get put off for another day.(it looks like a mountain lol)
Til next time guys.