Saturday, July 17, 2010

watch me fly (thinspo)

''/

Hey everyone....things have been kinda not good...nothing new...i've been getting more chest pains than usual ...i really have to lay off purging for a while...it's really starting to scare me...to the point where i dont think im going to wake up to see morning. I have all these fears. Like if i dont purge my food im going to have a heart attack and die from eating. Or if i exercise to much where my heart is beating really fast im gonna have a heart attack from all the pressure i've put on my body from the last 2 years. God i hate this...i feel so trapped in my own problems... everyone i know is to busy doing there own thing to be here for me....i keep thinking what did i do to deserve this...? maybe this is the whole cliché thing that is "suppose" to make me stronger...i really hope there's something good for me down the line...i dunno if i can take much more of this.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I confronted my sister ''/

i told my sister about her not making an effort and not caring about my ed.... she said she would make more of an effort and that she was scared and that shes's sorry, that she didnt know how to go about asking cause she didnt want to hurt my feelings or bring it up if i didnt want to talk about it....i guess i kinda understand..still hurts that it took her soo long to get it....but im gonna try my best to let it go and forgive her.... i just expect so many things from people and when it doesn't come threw like i imagined it really hurts. I really didn't want to resent her for years....so i just confronted her about it...went better than i thought....but it still bothers me that i had to almost "ask" her to care....cause i called her and told her what i was feeling... she was the first person i told about my ed... why couldnt she just call once and be like "hey mandie, hows your problem going.." something so small.... i even asked her that and she said that would have been to "bold" so i dunno.... i will definitely forgive her when i've gotten over her not being there...but i probably wont ever forget it....i mean i told her over 7 months ago...and she never once asked me how i was doing....it's like me telling her im an alcoholic and she just carrying on with her life...that scarred me.... family letting you down like that...you wont forget it.... im trying my best to see it from her point of view but im just to sad to care....

peace&love

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Update.

*Sigh* not a good day...sorry wish i could say it was.... don't really celebrate the fourth of july...kinda makes me feel a bit bitter that alot of people are partying and im doing a whole bunch of nothing as usual....I was considering sneaking out and going to my nana's house 45 minutes away.... but i dont really want to go there...i want to go somewhere i dont know anyone....Just runaway to a different place. feeling sad and lost and alone... i really hate these feelings... i keep thinking that all this will finally come to an end and i keep thinking that "someone" is gonna come into my life and change that....sounds naive but i really want to meet someone that is just an amazing friend/boyfriend maybe? >.< ...a good person... havent come across that yet. I've really needed that in the past year...Maybe that didnt come along to make me stronger....i probably would have leaned on that person way to much and scared them away....or I would have been poison to that person with all my problems... i dunno...I really really hope things get better...i told my mum today i want to go back to therapy..i can't continue like this...it's a miserable life...im 18, i should be out enjoying life....instead im this shut-in with her eating disorder as a friend...I dont want this...this unhappiness....but that's the thing...i want to change but i dont want to loose my ed...how's that suppose to fucking work!? Ugh!


Later.... x

Monday, June 28, 2010

Long Time No Talk!

Hey everyone!

So i went to both my little brothers graduation and my mums.... we've been eating at restaurants a lot lately ....it's been really hard im not gonna lie....and i've been bingeing and purging bad....my mum knows about my problem... so she asked me if i threw up...i told her no but of course i did.... she's so easily convinced... ''/ but i guess that's a good advantage for me...i've been thinking about adding onto my tatto on my back...im really scared about the pain though....the first time i got my tat was horrible with the pain...lmao im really bad with physical pain....but i have a really cool idea..so im gonna have to endure it ....So i've had this song by leona lewis on repeat for the longest time...it's called "Run" and it's amazing....i love it...I like Snow Patrols version too....but hers have a different feel to it ...great cover! So for my mums graduation present i took her to the nail salon....then got her this book that she's always wanted...she really loved it....she deserves more relaxation...sometimes i get so cought up in life that i dont realize how much she does for the family....i know i take her for granted....i should be more grateful. But at least i realize that right..? ugh, It's hard to undo 18 years of spoiledness <-- dont think that's a word haa....anyway....gonna spend some "family time" with my little brother and mum today....we've been meaning to go to the beach but havent gone yet...i wanna go!! i lovee the beach...<3 one of my favorite things to do is listen to my ipod and swing really high...feels like im flying.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Nervous & Anxious!

Okay, so tomorrow were going out to a restaurant because were celebrating my little brother's graduation from 5th year....he's going to middle school now...crazy how time goes by so fast.... =( i remember him as a little one and now he's going to jr high school...weird....dont really like change....well, not like this....but at least i dont have to keep babysitting lol.... so about the "nervous and anxious" bit....were going out to eat with all the family and im fucking freakin out....feels like there's a bolder on my chest and i can't breathe! ugh...i so dont want it to be awkward...."is that all your eating?" starring at me...it's like fuck!!!!!!!! maybe im over analyzing ...i can't keep caring what people think of me..it's gonna drive me nuts! my attitude needs to be "Look! this is me, dont like it beat it!" because im sucha people pleaser...i want everyone to get along and just be civil ...the worst bit is that my mum and sister know that im bulimic....there ignorant about disorders..they just think i can stop whenever i want.....not even the half of it...and sense they know they'll be looking and judging.....but i told my mum today i wasnt feeling good today so im just gonna use that tomorrow like my symptoms cam back or something...and then my fucking sister..godd she gets on my neves....she makes me feel like "oh here comes the party pooper" it's like fuck yeah here comes the party pooper...you have no idea what i go threw and to judge so quickly pisses me the hell off...i stopped calling her too...she noticed..........because why would i want to talk to someone that makes me feel like shit? so i just pulled away like i always do....less arguing ...so anyway..i'll tell you guys how it went...oh! and get this!! 3 days apart from that were going out again for my mum's college graduation....she finally got her Masters Degree....=) so proud of her...<3

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Quick Update-what's on my mind atm.

h3y guys!

today, i dont know what im gonna be doing today...i really shounldn't go to the mall and spend cause i literally can't control myself...there's ALWAYS something to buy...either it's on sale or it's just so cute i have to have it..
.i recently checked out a book called "the gift of fear" my sister recommended it to me and she said it's amazinggg...a "must read" so im gonna give it a try! she started reading it for her self defense class...but yeah thinking about going to barns and noble and just reading...might see some other things i should read aswell...only books i've really been reading are post secret books....i think i read those so much because i can relate to more than 90% of the people....plus the raw emotion is mind blowing..you always think your alone until you see that your not....that alot of people are going threw similar things... i think that's why i lovee post secret books so much...they make me feel less alone...so yeah not really a busy day today...gonna throw on an oversized shirt and some ripped tights and im golden =)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Some Journal entry...

so today im kicking my fasting back into motion....had to get off of it last week cause i was going back and forth visiting fam...i would probably be hugeeeeeeeeee if i lived with them...there's always food around..that bother's me....but anyway i decided to share some of my journal with you guys..wrote it when i was having a horrible day.
"I'm so emotionally broken. This "thing" has stripped me dry, of everything. I need, need, need somebody or something. Send me anything and i will be grateful. I want someone to love me in an indescribable way. Love me for my faults and for me. The real me. I need something constant. I think once i find that, i'll know. I'll know because i'll be smiling on the inside this time, not just on the outside. It'll be real. I need that now. I hate that suicide is an option. I hate me. I hate this life. The one out of ten semi-happy moments isn't enough to keep me thinking life is worth it. Behind these eyes are nothing. Nothing but tears and sorrow. I feel numb and dead. I feel bound and broken. I feel empty and selfish. I've learned i will eventually let everyone down i come in contact with so why bother.I hate being alone but i enjoy it too.I find beauty in it. I just feel like there's nothing in me. There's nothing there. Everything seems inevitable. Nothing ever gets better. My problems my tears. My problems my tears."
whoa that was emo...lmao...but seriously that day wasn't good for me...today is looking better i think...so when i dont update im still writing sometimes just not on here....

ttyl <3

Monday, May 31, 2010

small update =)

Hey Guys! :)

I know i said i would update more....guess i lied lol....just been away from home a bit...went ice skating for the weekend and slept over my fams house...i totally ate the ice...i was trying to do a turn and slammed my head on the ice....hurt like hell...but a hottie helped me so i was all smiles on the inside...got some war wounds but it's all good ...i was kinda worried about internal bleeding...i can be a little dramatic but i had never hurt myself to sucha extent before so i had a right to be worried i was gonna die! haa..anyway im baby sitting the family dog and i love him dearly....alotttt of responsibility....but anyway....im reallyy sore...i was ice skating for almost 4 hours straight! the time goes by super fast doesn't even feel like your burning cals...it's soothing to me...it's my new hobby.....ut other than that...glad to be home....i like visiting but i dont like to stay the night...i like to be in my own surroundings... ya know...so yeah that's pretty much it for now!

peace&love.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sorry for the delay...

okay so what did i do today...woke up and turned on my music of course...showered ate a small bowl of steamed veggies and walked to the tram stop....i had to do some business ...then went to the mall lol....stop by victoria secret, abercromie, and hollister....and omg!! today was the worst for my feet..of course i wanted to wear my new leopard flats and break em in..little did i know my feet were going to be on fire the whole day...i dunno what the deal was... the shoes are even big on me...so i dont know why my feet where hurting soooooooooooo badly... ha...ugh...i kept having to take them off everywhere i went....stopped by..urban outfitters, american eagle outfitters...love culture....hot topic....h&m ect....wonder how many cals i burned hmmm....i was on my feet since 10:00am to 6:00pm.... good amount of time there i think....anyway once i got home i was excited to look at all the things i got....and im going down in sizes at stores...kinda weird..it's like " hey! i used to were that size, now im wearing this??!!" it's going kinda fast that i dont have time to process how much im loosing...but im happy im finally gonna be pretty....i dont think you can be considered pretty if your fat or "plus sized" i mean your face might be...but people like lean...it's cleaner looking and just beautiful....anyway that's my thoughts for now.

xx peace.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

cramps & mood swings ha...

woke up with these unbearable cramps....surprise surprise my period came....and the pain feels like contractions....ughhh....i hate this.....i must seem so bitchy to everyone around me...i snapped at my mum and brother....but that's nothing new....everyone i know bother's me in some way.... that's why i always isolate myself from everyone...because you get hurt less that way...no one to let you down or for you to let other's down....your just in your own bubble/ world...but that can also be dangerous....everytime im in the car..which means there's no way to escape the people im with...i always have my internet going on my phone and my music in my ears....i know, that i isolate myself from the world on purpose and then cry that "im so alone" ...it's like a catch 22....so what do i do..? nothing....because it's just easier that way... almost 9pm and today i've had 3 pieces of gum =15 cals and water....this is the best i've done in a while without ruining it....so im happy about that...anyway im getting paid in a week and im gonna pick up my coach poppy side purse..excited for that...i need something good at the end of this fast..... =))

update more later when im feeling up to it...i know i was blogging alot more but my depression has increased in the last month so i just haven't been on here...but i'll start blogging more =)

xx mandie

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Update.

hmmm...today i woke up feeling quite shitty...i caught a cold from someone that was around me that was sick....i already knew i was gonna catch it...i always do....i hate having a low immune system....but i brought this onto myself so lets just skip the tears....today im starting a fast since food is the least of my worries for once....when im sick i just want to lay in bed and watch movies....ugh...i just hope that i fall alseep and it ends up being tomorrow quicker than i thought...update wise....me and my family had a celebration yesterday for mum's day. yes i know mums day was over a week ago but everyone was extremely busy so we had to schedule it for the following week. Anyway my mum and grandmum said it was a good day for them, that's all that mattered. Food wise, i was in a pickle! My sister catered food from a restaurant and she kept watching me... she probably thought i was soo fat and that i dont have a problem at all....and yes! i ate because i didnt want this big dramatic thing, "omg mandie's not eating let's give her attention now!" so i downed the food and when they left i purged it quick! it was a decent day like i said on my twitter...so yeah now im just gonna go relax and not think about food.... distractions distractions i need em!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

i hate feeling untrustworthy.

So as some of you know last night i got caught stealing my mums truck again...i left around 1 am and got back around almost 4am...When doing this, i knew there was a chance of me getting caught...but at the time i didn't care..I was just thinking about getting out of the house and clearing my head....driving just clears my head...blasting the music and going real fast makes me feel alive....for once....but once i got home the lights were on and i knew i was fucking busted! i froze...i didnt want to go in but my little brother who is 11 years old was waiting outside....first words :why are you doing this" and started crying....i felt like such a bad influence...i didnt know what to say...still don't....then i walked in the house and went to my mum's room...she was on the phone with the police...in shock, i just stood there blank....it was finally hitting me what i was doing...i have no license no experience but driving in a parking lot with my sister 6 months ago...i could have killed someone...someone could have killed me...i know this...but when im in this state of escaping i dont think...i just do....my mum's words to me :"you stole my car again?! i dont even know who you are anymore" me : join the club....sitting on the sofa i herd her say on the phone "i need to have my daughter arrested, she is a danger to herself and a thief...she took my wallet and my car keys and i need to have her picked up" but they said they couldn't arrest me because i brought the car back and i was a family member... but during that i was blank the whole time...there was nothing to do or say i had gotten caught...no way of talking myself out of anything...a simple sorry would have seem so relative...so i just skipped the bullshit excuses and said nothing....because what do i do..?

Then we had a "family meeting" and my mum said i need to go back to therapy....can't really argue...anyway so things are a little shaky...but im just gonna let the past go....i can't change what i've done...why keep thinking about it.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Things are going good today...

For starters my diet is going so good and exercise is going amazing! I've been walking almost a mile and some change everyday almost....and today's food intake = 2 rice cakes and half a bottle of diet coke.... 4:30pm right now...so the hard part is gonna be at 12 midnight when the cravings start to arrive...that's the part that sux about being a night owl....been helping my little bro sale cookies and that's actually kinda fun...we went to this one door and this guy was like "No!" and slammed the door... lmao...ha rude much?....but other than the rude people it's really fun and we get to know the neighbors a little more....was thinking about if i was gonna run into some hotties hahaha....and i have! maybe i should start stalking em...lol....

But anyway bought some new clothes because everything else is literally falling off of me....even my shoes are more roomy which is weird....can you loose weight on your feet...? i already have small feet so i dont really want them getting any smaller! lol

what else did i do..? that's about it....i've been none stop shopping for the past 3 days....NO MORE MANDIE! lol....

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Decent Day...

Hey Loves :)
So like I said, I've been out of school for 6 months....mum keeps getting on me about getting back to finish 12th year....I keep putting it off cause i hate being around people I dont know....i get all jittery and stammery..lol...But I'm trying to go to and contact my local college so I can get the rest of my credits and be done with this shit already....ugh! i wish I could just steal my high school diploma!! haha...So besides that...got paid today =)) so I went shopping and bought the family dinner out ....oh, and I can finally get my lip ring....got the piercing 3 weeks ago...now i can finally change it!...So tonight I'm probably gonna go to bed earlier than usual so I can go shopping again tomorrow....i really dont need the clothes....i have a store in my room alone, with my clothes... But i hate to pass up a good sale or something...I always say "okay im just going to 'look'.." yeah right! i know myself all to well....but yeah it's a good day when i go without crying....i did purge but only once....not like 3-4 times as usual...

update later<3

Monday, April 26, 2010

Going for joy Rides lol ;)

So about 4 months ago when my depression was getting really bad, I would steal my mums car while she was sleeping and just drive around. I was/am eighteen I dont have a license or anything...the only way I know my way around the road is from driving my sister's car in a couple parking lots from time to time with her permission....I know how selfish that is...I could kill someone or a drunk driver or someone could kill me...But when im in a state like that..I'm pretty oblivious to consequences....It's like welp, if someonething happens "ohh well" cause im hurting so badly...or it could go the other way and be like " oh nothing's gonna happen to me" but that's the thing you never think it's gonna be you....But get this guys! 4 months ago i was really careless and my mum cough me...everytime I would go out i would make a "makeshift" which is like a pretend body underneath the covers with my pillows....I was so used to going out and doing it that i was kinda carless and i gues the pillows didnt really look like i was in them...I asked her "why did you even come in my room!" and she said she came in to talk to me..and she sat on the bed...and it felt like there was no weight in the bed..so she pulled the cover off and of course she was shocked that i wasnt in my bed at 3:00 in the morning....she called the cops....and looked for her keys so she could leave the house to look around the neighborhood...but of course she couldnt find them because i had them! lol...so when she went to the car garage and the car wasn't there!? i dont even want to know her reaction...then she reported the car missing...about 15 minutes later I walk in the door and all the lights are on....BUSTED! i saw she was up and the cver had been pulled away from where i was sleeping...i wanted so badly to just walk back out of the door...didnt want to deal with the consequences....I mean i still feel soooo guilty that she dosent trust me and that she hides her purse from me....So the point is....i started stealing the car again about 5 days ago lmao...i just never learn....when im driving...my mind feels so clear...and I can go where ever....ahhh....i hope i dont get cought agin!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Went To Dodger Stadium.

So yesterday night i went to Dodger Stadium for Joel Osteen's get together..For those of you that dont know who he is, he's a preacher from Texas...He's really popular....and he came to Los Angeles....So we took a trip down there after my mum got tickets....He's known for talking about god and church without sounding to "preachy" or "churchy" or "boring".... so my mum got 4 tickets...one for her self my brother my older sister and me...Once we finally got there it was packed! I hated that...I almost had a panic attack and of course my sister could have cared less...my brother can be so amazing sometimes it shocks me...he's only 11 years old and he kept saying "it's going to be okay mandie and held my hand and guided me threw the crowd" i mean when i say packed i mean over 15,000 people packed!! Dodger Stadium is hugeee!! So when we got to our seats we had to wait for about an hour before the church gathering started...and let me just say..im not a strong christian...we reccently started going back to church and I still dont know what I'm doing...But that''s what made me feel better...You dont have to be a christian or even go to church for that matter...you just have to believe he said....I got soo much out of this experience....He talked about addiction,drugs,life,illnesses, everything! I started to cry when the music was playing and he was talking...It was so moving and soo inspirational...Im so glad I went....by the time it was over we were freezing out ass's off! it was from 7pm to 10pm and it was freeeeeezingg! But it was awesome....When i was leaving i was filled with such hope....I mean some of the things he was saying i felt he was talking directly to me....So yeah awesome day yesterday.....I'm gonna try and let go of the past and just move forward..No use dwellig on things you can't change.... :)

Friday, April 23, 2010

Our World.

I shall never get out of this! There are two of me now:
This new absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality --
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was

Only much whiter and unbreakable and with no complaints.
I couldn't sleep for a week, she was so cold.
I blamed her for everything, but she didn't answer.
I couldn't understand her stupid behavior!
When I hit her she held still, like a true pacifist.
Then I realized what she wanted was for me to love her:
She began to warm up, and I saw her advantages.

Without me, she wouldn't exist, so of course she was grateful.
I gave her a soul, I blomed out of her as a rose
Blooms out of a vase of not very valuable porcelain,
And it was I who attracted everybody's attention,
Not her whiteness and beauty, as I had at first supposed.
I patronized her a little, and she lapped it up --
You could tell almost at once she had a slave mentality.

I didn't mind her waiting on me, and she adored it.
In the morning she woke me early, reflecting the sun
From her amazingly white torso, and I couldn't help but notice
Her tidiness and her calmness and her patience:
She humored my weakness like the best of nurses,
Holding my bones in place so they would mend properly.
In time our relationship grew more intense.

She stopped fitting me so closely and seemed offish.
I felt her criticizing me in spite of herself,
As if my habits offended her in some way.
She let in the drafts and became more and more absent-minded.
And my skin itched and flaked away in soft pieces
Simply because she looked after me so badly.
Then I saw what the trouble was: she thought she was immortal.

She wanted to leave me, she thought she was superior,
And I'd been keeping her in the dark, and she was resentful --
Wasting her days waiting on a half-corpse!
And secretly she began to hope I'd die.
Then she could cover my mouth and eyes, cover me entirely,
And wear my painted face the way a mummy-case
Wears the face of a pharaoh, though it's made of mud and water.

I wasn't in any position to get rid of her.
She'd supported me for so long I was quite limp --
I had forgotten how to walk or sit,
So I was careful not to upset her in any way
Or brag ahead of time how I'd avenge myself.
Living with her was like living with my own coffin:
Yet I still depended on her, though I did it regretfully.

I used to think we might make a go of it together --
After all, it was a kind of marriage, being so close.
Now I see it must be one or the other of us.
She may be a saint, and I may be ugly and hairy,
But she'll soon find out that that doesn't matter a bit.
I'm collecting my strength; one day I shall manage without her,
And she'll perish with emptiness then, and begin to miss me.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Home Finally :)

Hey Everyone!

Back from visiting my sister. Had a pretty decent time...and i was so happy to see the puppy for a couple days!he's adorable i love animals, there love is so unconditional. So anyway when my sister picked me up it could have gone one of two ways in the car...super quiet or super talkative...it was a little bit of both...the car ride is about 45 minutes to her house..where my grandmother lives as well...I love her....she has sucha big heart and accepts everyone... while me and my sister were in the car she asked me how i was, for like the first time in never! and i said "Im great" ughhh!!! why! I should have told her that my bulimia is getting worse that my depression is becoming unbearable! ANYTHING!!!!But when my sister asked she didnt really looked like she cared...you know how when people ask how you are just because it's the right thing to do....not because they really care..? that's how it looked...maybe that's why i said "I'm great" cause i got that vibe...maybe I didnt really want to burden her with my problems...I kinda understand that she wouldnt ask me about my ed because she might be a little scared or the topic might be awkward but if i knew someone was struggling...i would ask them almost all the time...to make them aware that someone cares...and to know if there getting better....that makes me tear up just thinking that I was with her for almost 3 days and she didnt ask me how I was going with my ed....DOSENT SHE CARE AT ALL!?whatever... I can't keep thinking and wasting my time with it...so the time went pretty decent i guess...we went ice skating for about 2 hours...didnt fall once and i was doing awesome...I havent been ice skating in like 10 years so i was soo surprised that i could actually balance...lol...anyway next day she went to work and i spent time with my grandmother and the puppy :) then went back home the next day....so yeah pretty good time...But i dont think i can get much closer to my sister knowing that she dosent even care ya know...? that's how she makes me feel....like she has other better things to worry about...I swear, this sounds harsh but somtimes i think i love her but i dont like her...i dont like the person that she is or is becoming....sometimes i'll just look at her and not even know who that person is...i guess she's changing. But i needed this..i needed to miss home...and im glad i went....but i probably wont go back in a while...I'll update you guys and tell you if I do and what happens!

Glad to be home<3

X

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Leaving for a couple days.

My sister is picking me up in about 10 minutes....i dunno...yesterday i felt like i wanted to go more...now i kinda don't....in many ways she doesn't get me..and i dont want to feel uncomfortable while im over there...there's been many times where i was over there and i told my mum to come and get me...for my sister to drop me off at my house...or i just took the bus home...i HATE tension and anger around me.I just hope i have a decent time. I can't wait to see the puppy!! =))

I seem to always be running from something....ughh, i can't wait until im just "happy" whatever that is.
Rainy day today...i like rainy days...some people dont cause it's depressing or whatever, but i actually love em.

So I packed my clothes and everything and my rice cakes...Im trying to fast today but i have to have my sister see me eat something. She knows about mandie...like i said she never brings it up so im guessing that she thinks if she doesnt mention it that it will go away.... She can be so oblivious....

Anyway I'm gonna get going she can come any minute...Not gonna be able to blog for a few days :( but i'll be back soon!

*kiss*

Monday, April 19, 2010

Not The Best Day.

I'm so tired of being here. Just had a binge and purge session. Now my chest and stomach,throat is hurting....scale says i lost a pound. but i dont believe it. I feel like sucha worthless person. I mean the things I do on a daily basis just to meet mandie's standards makes me feel like i have no dignity. She's one of my closest friends but also one of my competitors. I feel like when she tells me something i have to go above and beyond that to make her proud. Sounds cliché but the people around me really have no idea what im going threw....it's hell.....everyday....the things i put my mind and body threw...I'm surprised i haven't killed myself already...i have music to thank for that.....I dont know what to do with this...

Feels like im to far down deep to crawl out ...I hate it but i love it...it's something i can run to but not run from...a year and a half ago i was fat, but i was also happy. More happy than I am now at least. So full of laughter and smiles. I had a personality...I was confident and strong... now im a 18 year old shut-in with no life...surrounded by this eating disorder....to afraid to get close to someone because no one will even try to understand or care. "Yay....!! lets have a pity party!" says mandie.

Called up my sister just now...asked her if she could come get me...maybe spend some nights over there to get away from my house. I really want to see the puppy...He always cheers me up '')

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Boring Day

Hey Guys!

Today i didnt do much. stayed home the whole day which was borsville. Woke up with a sore throat and headache, which put me in a shitty mood. It was such a gorgeous day today to be inside. Plus im fasting so i have like no energy for anything...once again felt faint in the shower which i hate....feels like i can't breathe.

Watched a few episodes of "16 and pregnant". One girl was fifteen...it's kinda sad that she's having a child and she's a child herself. Just the way she talks and acts, it's sad. I mean you can tell she's 15, she doesn't act older than her age...which is probably what that child needs. But they say having a child makes you grow up real quick so I hope that does it for her. I was still playing with barbie's at 15, it's so crazy when people have different situations than you. I'm glad i was sheltered...I can't imagine having a child so young....I mean you can have the same life you could've before...but dont think having a baby isnt gonna make it harder ya know...? i mean let's be real.

I kinda wanna watch Juno now lol hahaha....one of my favorite movies. I love Ellen Page..I think her work is brilliant! ughhh. I'm soo hungry..one of the horrible side effects of fasting is that you wanna eat your own arm!! lmao....it's so hard to fast and see poeple go in and out of the kitchen with food...and me smelling it too! >.<

Was gonna do the linens but im to drained to go up and down the stairs...guess the clothes get put off for another day.(it looks like a mountain lol)

Til next time guys.


x

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Single Life

Hey Guys :)

So today I kinda wanted to talk about my "relationship status" Yes im single, have been my whole life...(wow,that was kinda dramatic lol)..i mean there were one or two crushes here and there but i wasn't old enough to date then, so it was kinda a waste.... and even if i was old enough i probably would have scared the guy off....knowing me...i mean i dunno....eitther im to shy or i think i dont look "perfect" enough...im the type of person that if a guy said he was comming over just to say "hi" i would put on my best outfit and pretend like there my pj's.....few squirts of perfume......put on very little make-up and when he knocks at the door i would be like "ahhh why did you wake me up" as if i went back to bed when he called....pfff.. lmao... im soooo awkward you guys, you have no idea...but i think i hide it kinda well. I'm an awkward person in general but when im around boys im my awkwardest<--- ha, dont think that's a word. But i really am, my mind shuts down and goes completely blank, i stutter like a mad women, i look like i need help! lmao...i hate it! But as much as im uncomfortable, i can't wait for love. I can't wait for that guy. Someone to tell me that im beautiful and really mean it...Someone honest and loyal and fun loving and spontaneous...I can't wait for him...I think if i have someone like that in my life it might fade or calm my problems...Everytime, Everytime things would get really bad, I would always say "please something come save me, anything" I always thought that would be in the form of a guy. But that's the thing, now that today has been an "okay" day...i've realized that I dont need saving. I'm not some "Damsel in Distress". I just want someone to count on, dont think im asking the world. Anyway, im 18 years old so i have at least a few years before my looks go. JK! lol....talk you guys later!

X

Friday, April 16, 2010

Spent The Day With My Sister

I told my sister about mandie aka "my eating disorder" about 4-5 months ago. She was in shock. After weeks past, she pretty much ignored it...she didnt bring it up at all . But let me back up....I hadn't gone to sleep from the previous night before....so i've basically been up for 2 days almost.....getting ready for bed at like 10:00-am, my sister calls me. Mind You we hadnt really been talking the whole month....even at my brother's birthday she was either on her ipod or on her sidekick... i dont know if she was purposely trying to ignore me or what but she didnt really talk to me....then she calls out of the blue today and asks if i want to hang out cause she's in the neighborhood...at first i say "ummm okay" but then i talked to my twitfam about how awkward it would be...so i call her back and tell her that im to tired to go. Then an hour later i call her back and tell her, that we should hang out since i have nothing else to do and i got my second wind. So she picks me up and im feeling kinda uncomfortable because we havent really talked in a while and there's alot going on with me...it's like this big elephant of issues in the room that just happen to belong to me...it still hurts that she dosen't even ask me how my eating disorder is going...we went to a cuple clothing stores and i tried on some clothes...when i came out, she looked like she had seen a ghost....i think because i was wearing a form fitting dress and you could see how small i'd gotten from the last time she had seen me....her look scared me...she looked like she didnt even know me...after that we went to the park and then got pinkberry, which i should go purge now that im home....Overall good day, I just wish she would show how much she says she cares...

Thanks For Reading :)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Post Secrets

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I hav decided I don't really hav an eating disorder. It's just a bad habit that I'm sure I will break once I'm... Pictures, Images and Photos


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Hmmmm...today...

Hey Dollings!


okay so i literally woke up like 5 minutes ago... im completely nocturnal so my "bedtime" is usually around 3-5 am....and yes that means i sleep the day away which is soo annoying...3:15pm right now...so today i woke up then looked at my cell to see what time it is...i always have to keep my cell near my bed...even though no one really calls anymore lol...=( ...then turned on my computer and went pee pee/washed my hands lol...am i being to descriptive?....lol ah whatever...dont like it? beat it! haha...i dont know what it is but i can only wash my hands with hot water..never with cold...i feel like the hot water gets the germs off more....lol...anyone else feel like that too...?

But yeah once i was done with that i sit back down and my mum starts unlocking the front door. Bad thing about sleeping in is that i miss the chances to have the house to myself for the day. So of course i have to say "hiiiii, mum" and she says "did you cook dinner?, I left the meat out"
my first thought was "whoops"..lmao..."ooh! im gonna cook it right now" my second thought was"guess im the fucking maid" im mean, a nice hello would have been nice. But i guess i should give my mum the benefit of the doubt...she does work two jobs and go to school. I mean there's no reason for me to say that i can't get back into schooling if she's doing 3 times what i am....ughh...cheese and rice!!! i hate when i know she's right.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

{ First Blog!}

Hi everyone!

I'm really excited about starting my very own blog :) I just hope people find it interesting...lol...i don't consider myself interesting in the slightest...but someone else might. So my name is ******. You might be wondering why it says "Mandie & I" on my page....Well, im the "I". Mandie is my eating disorder....I started making a name for all the crazy thoughts that would pop in my head and it just stuck. I've had bulimia for a year and 4 months...It's crazy how time goes by so fast. I'm trying my hardest to stop bingeing and purging....it's the one thing i can run to when im feeling horrible. Well, besides music...but that's a whole different story....I am completely head-over-heels in love with music. I can just zone out on Strays Don't Sleep and forget about the world. But anyway about me..? Well...I'm suppose to be in high school right now but i've been on a huge absent leave. And when i say huge i mean 6 months huge. The stress of my life put me out of school...I couldn't concentrate on any of my work and the sucky thing is I was actually getting good grades! but they started to drop...so I just left...Originally I was suppose to be out for a month...just never got back into the swing of things i guess...''/ But I plan to go back...soon!

My Age :18,Sign: Virgo...I'm pretty anti-social...I hate tension and....hmmmm....i love Harajuku Lovers perfume ....haha...i dunno what else to put....so I hope you
enjoyed my
first blog!

X