Monday, June 28, 2010
So i went to both my little brothers graduation and my mums.... we've been eating at restaurants a lot lately ....it's been really hard im not gonna lie....and i've been bingeing and purging bad....my mum knows about my problem... so she asked me if i threw up...i told her no but of course i did.... she's so easily convinced... ''/ but i guess that's a good advantage for me...i've been thinking about adding onto my tatto on my back...im really scared about the pain though....the first time i got my tat was horrible with the pain...lmao im really bad with physical pain....but i have a really cool idea..so im gonna have to endure it ....So i've had this song by leona lewis on repeat for the longest time...it's called "Run" and it's amazing....i love it...I like Snow Patrols version too....but hers have a different feel to it ...great cover! So for my mums graduation present i took her to the nail salon....then got her this book that she's always wanted...she really loved it....she deserves more relaxation...sometimes i get so cought up in life that i dont realize how much she does for the family....i know i take her for granted....i should be more grateful. But at least i realize that right..? ugh, It's hard to undo 18 years of spoiledness <-- dont think that's a word haa....anyway....gonna spend some "family time" with my little brother and mum today....we've been meaning to go to the beach but havent gone yet...i wanna go!! i lovee the beach...<3 one of my favorite things to do is listen to my ipod and swing really high...feels like im flying.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Okay, so tomorrow were going out to a restaurant because were celebrating my little brother's graduation from 5th year....he's going to middle school now...crazy how time goes by so fast.... =( i remember him as a little one and now he's going to jr high school...weird....dont really like change....well, not like this....but at least i dont have to keep babysitting lol.... so about the "nervous and anxious" bit....were going out to eat with all the family and im fucking freakin out....feels like there's a bolder on my chest and i can't breathe! ugh...i so dont want it to be awkward...."is that all your eating?" starring at me...it's like fuck!!!!!!!! maybe im over analyzing ...i can't keep caring what people think of me..it's gonna drive me nuts! my attitude needs to be "Look! this is me, dont like it beat it!" because im sucha people pleaser...i want everyone to get along and just be civil ...the worst bit is that my mum and sister know that im bulimic....there ignorant about disorders..they just think i can stop whenever i want.....not even the half of it...and sense they know they'll be looking and judging.....but i told my mum today i wasnt feeling good today so im just gonna use that tomorrow like my symptoms cam back or something...and then my fucking sister..godd she gets on my neves....she makes me feel like "oh here comes the party pooper" it's like fuck yeah here comes the party pooper...you have no idea what i go threw and to judge so quickly pisses me the hell off...i stopped calling her too...she noticed..........because why would i want to talk to someone that makes me feel like shit? so i just pulled away like i always do....less arguing ...so anyway..i'll tell you guys how it went...oh! and get this!! 3 days apart from that were going out again for my mum's college graduation....she finally got her Masters Degree....=) so proud of her...<3
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
today, i dont know what im gonna be doing today...i really shounldn't go to the mall and spend cause i literally can't control myself...there's ALWAYS something to buy...either it's on sale or it's just so cute i have to have it..
.i recently checked out a book called "the gift of fear" my sister recommended it to me and she said it's amazinggg...a "must read" so im gonna give it a try! she started reading it for her self defense class...but yeah thinking about going to barns and noble and just reading...might see some other things i should read aswell...only books i've really been reading are post secret books....i think i read those so much because i can relate to more than 90% of the people....plus the raw emotion is mind blowing..you always think your alone until you see that your not....that alot of people are going threw similar things... i think that's why i lovee post secret books so much...they make me feel less alone...so yeah not really a busy day today...gonna throw on an oversized shirt and some ripped tights and im golden =)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
so today im kicking my fasting back into motion....had to get off of it last week cause i was going back and forth visiting fam...i would probably be hugeeeeeeeeee if i lived with them...there's always food around..that bother's me....but anyway i decided to share some of my journal with you guys..wrote it when i was having a horrible day.
"I'm so emotionally broken. This "thing" has stripped me dry, of everything. I need, need, need somebody or something. Send me anything and i will be grateful. I want someone to love me in an indescribable way. Love me for my faults and for me. The real me. I need something constant. I think once i find that, i'll know. I'll know because i'll be smiling on the inside this time, not just on the outside. It'll be real. I need that now. I hate that suicide is an option. I hate me. I hate this life. The one out of ten semi-happy moments isn't enough to keep me thinking life is worth it. Behind these eyes are nothing. Nothing but tears and sorrow. I feel numb and dead. I feel bound and broken. I feel empty and selfish. I've learned i will eventually let everyone down i come in contact with so why bother.I hate being alone but i enjoy it too.I find beauty in it. I just feel like there's nothing in me. There's nothing there. Everything seems inevitable. Nothing ever gets better. My problems my tears. My problems my tears."
whoa that was emo...lmao...but seriously that day wasn't good for me...today is looking better i think...so when i dont update im still writing sometimes just not on here....