Saturday, July 17, 2010
Hey everyone....things have been kinda not good...nothing new...i've been getting more chest pains than usual ...i really have to lay off purging for a while...it's really starting to scare me...to the point where i dont think im going to wake up to see morning. I have all these fears. Like if i dont purge my food im going to have a heart attack and die from eating. Or if i exercise to much where my heart is beating really fast im gonna have a heart attack from all the pressure i've put on my body from the last 2 years. God i hate this...i feel so trapped in my own problems... everyone i know is to busy doing there own thing to be here for me....i keep thinking what did i do to deserve this...? maybe this is the whole cliché thing that is "suppose" to make me stronger...i really hope there's something good for me down the line...i dunno if i can take much more of this.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i told my sister about her not making an effort and not caring about my ed.... she said she would make more of an effort and that she was scared and that shes's sorry, that she didnt know how to go about asking cause she didnt want to hurt my feelings or bring it up if i didnt want to talk about it....i guess i kinda understand..still hurts that it took her soo long to get it....but im gonna try my best to let it go and forgive her.... i just expect so many things from people and when it doesn't come threw like i imagined it really hurts. I really didn't want to resent her for years....so i just confronted her about it...went better than i thought....but it still bothers me that i had to almost "ask" her to care....cause i called her and told her what i was feeling... she was the first person i told about my ed... why couldnt she just call once and be like "hey mandie, hows your problem going.." something so small.... i even asked her that and she said that would have been to "bold" so i dunno.... i will definitely forgive her when i've gotten over her not being there...but i probably wont ever forget it....i mean i told her over 7 months ago...and she never once asked me how i was doing....it's like me telling her im an alcoholic and she just carrying on with her life...that scarred me.... family letting you down like that...you wont forget it.... im trying my best to see it from her point of view but im just to sad to care....
Sunday, July 4, 2010
*Sigh* not a good day...sorry wish i could say it was.... don't really celebrate the fourth of july...kinda makes me feel a bit bitter that alot of people are partying and im doing a whole bunch of nothing as usual....I was considering sneaking out and going to my nana's house 45 minutes away.... but i dont really want to go there...i want to go somewhere i dont know anyone....Just runaway to a different place. feeling sad and lost and alone... i really hate these feelings... i keep thinking that all this will finally come to an end and i keep thinking that "someone" is gonna come into my life and change that....sounds naive but i really want to meet someone that is just an amazing friend/boyfriend maybe? >.< ...a good person... havent come across that yet. I've really needed that in the past year...Maybe that didnt come along to make me stronger....i probably would have leaned on that person way to much and scared them away....or I would have been poison to that person with all my problems... i dunno...I really really hope things get better...i told my mum today i want to go back to therapy..i can't continue like this...it's a miserable life...im 18, i should be out enjoying life....instead im this shut-in with her eating disorder as a friend...I dont want this...this unhappiness....but that's the thing...i want to change but i dont want to loose my ed...how's that suppose to fucking work!? Ugh!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
So i went to both my little brothers graduation and my mums.... we've been eating at restaurants a lot lately ....it's been really hard im not gonna lie....and i've been bingeing and purging bad....my mum knows about my problem... so she asked me if i threw up...i told her no but of course i did.... she's so easily convinced... ''/ but i guess that's a good advantage for me...i've been thinking about adding onto my tatto on my back...im really scared about the pain though....the first time i got my tat was horrible with the pain...lmao im really bad with physical pain....but i have a really cool idea..so im gonna have to endure it ....So i've had this song by leona lewis on repeat for the longest time...it's called "Run" and it's amazing....i love it...I like Snow Patrols version too....but hers have a different feel to it ...great cover! So for my mums graduation present i took her to the nail salon....then got her this book that she's always wanted...she really loved it....she deserves more relaxation...sometimes i get so cought up in life that i dont realize how much she does for the family....i know i take her for granted....i should be more grateful. But at least i realize that right..? ugh, It's hard to undo 18 years of spoiledness <-- dont think that's a word haa....anyway....gonna spend some "family time" with my little brother and mum today....we've been meaning to go to the beach but havent gone yet...i wanna go!! i lovee the beach...<3 one of my favorite things to do is listen to my ipod and swing really high...feels like im flying.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Okay, so tomorrow were going out to a restaurant because were celebrating my little brother's graduation from 5th year....he's going to middle school now...crazy how time goes by so fast.... =( i remember him as a little one and now he's going to jr high school...weird....dont really like change....well, not like this....but at least i dont have to keep babysitting lol.... so about the "nervous and anxious" bit....were going out to eat with all the family and im fucking freakin out....feels like there's a bolder on my chest and i can't breathe! ugh...i so dont want it to be awkward...."is that all your eating?" starring at me...it's like fuck!!!!!!!! maybe im over analyzing ...i can't keep caring what people think of me..it's gonna drive me nuts! my attitude needs to be "Look! this is me, dont like it beat it!" because im sucha people pleaser...i want everyone to get along and just be civil ...the worst bit is that my mum and sister know that im bulimic....there ignorant about disorders..they just think i can stop whenever i want.....not even the half of it...and sense they know they'll be looking and judging.....but i told my mum today i wasnt feeling good today so im just gonna use that tomorrow like my symptoms cam back or something...and then my fucking sister..godd she gets on my neves....she makes me feel like "oh here comes the party pooper" it's like fuck yeah here comes the party pooper...you have no idea what i go threw and to judge so quickly pisses me the hell off...i stopped calling her too...she noticed..........because why would i want to talk to someone that makes me feel like shit? so i just pulled away like i always do....less arguing ...so anyway..i'll tell you guys how it went...oh! and get this!! 3 days apart from that were going out again for my mum's college graduation....she finally got her Masters Degree....=) so proud of her...<3